Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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