Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
