I wish I could teleport
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
two words: eviction party
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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