just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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