The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
