I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
