I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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