Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
