Plan B is the new Plan A
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
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