I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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