As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
