We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
