and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
