I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
