Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
high people should be assigned attendants
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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