I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
