I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Randomize
