i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
