Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I should be sponsored by Trojan
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Randomize
