If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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