she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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