If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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