I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
