Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
i can't believe i had my finger in that
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
