a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Randomize
