Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
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