You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize