taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
