She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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