Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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