I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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