what day is it and did you see me today?
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize