ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
you traded sex for a burrito?
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Randomize
