Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
