You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
