i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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