I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
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