I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Randomize
