I will die if light touches me.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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