Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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