Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
