My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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