I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
