While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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