so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
