i don't plan on having that self control this summer
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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