I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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