Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
