It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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