The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
It's no shave November. This is our time.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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