Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
