So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
