Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
