I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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