Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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