Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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