Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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