If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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