she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
