I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
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