after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
