My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
