mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
